what the fuck happened with Music?

So. I’m finally coming around to the idea that I can allow music into my life again, outside of soundtracks and musicals. 

Looking back on the events in my life in which I went from being immersed in musical performance, where I couldn’t stop singing, to...

...barely being able to handle anything other than hearing the most non-diegetic music, let alone sit and listen to something interesting.

I remember a short series of stupid events that convinced me that I should stop singing. I decided that if I’m not singing, there’s no reason to listen, no reason to pursue new sounds, no reason to keep learning about something that was my all day every day. 

I guess I am just now realizing that the result has been that I have been behaving as if music broke up with me, without any warning....which is such a  ridiculous notion. There is absolutely no fucking reason in the world I couldn’t pick up right back where I left off. 

Of course watching television spurred my brain into this revelation. 

Shameless: “The Two Lisas” - Fiona is on, basically, a blind date, making the sweeping statement that she doesn’t have time for music. He responds to this by saying he couldn’t live without music, and she suggests he play something worth dying over.  

kind of fell down a youtube hole, starting here. 

Of course I’m at the stage in this whole ”picking up where I left off ” where all I can do is listen. All day long, when I can. Listening.

And then I find myself walking home from the train or the bus and I’m singing. 

It’s rough, it’s super weird to listen to, but every few phrases or so, I feel the old throaty tenor pop through, and it’s a fucking amazing feeling. 

It makes me feel so angry that I misinterpreted things so completely, and let it all go to hell over a few months of listening to the wrong advice from the wrong people at the wrong time. 

Maybe I’ll never get my voice back to where it was so many years ago. 

I’ve missed out on so many truly lovely  musical moments that have happened (and others that could have happened, if I had only been there) ... but the only thing I can do is figure out where I’m at now, and start working from here. 

but even if nothing happens like I thought it would, at least just being a fan isn't always the worst thing.